First, I'm sorry but some of these are a bad. I've heard most of these from associates to either customers or other associates (most of which were to customers)
1. Note to self, when eating a doughnut, do not sneeze
2. You know you love someone if you are willing to allow them to barf all over you.
3. I never really understood how there could be things that would drive you insane just because you knew them until I ran into Windows.
4. You know <name>, going to the bathroom just now was a blinding flash of inspiration.
5. When I drank it, it burned from end to end.
6. I need a banana for my monkey.
7. We're the little boys running around putting our little fingers in the dike... the holes.
8. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
9. Disregard these, we have a maniac who works here
10. You don't have to be crazy to work here,... We'll train you.
11. I'm getting to the age where I need to gum my women and my meat
12. Oh I'd give her a ride
13. He probably thinks a Tardis is a handicapped person too...
14. That's where you want to say "Your a special kind of stupid aren't you"
15. I'm not responsible for your decisions that enable my bad behavior.
16. There were naked people all over the screen. I guess if my girlfriend looked like my customer I'd use the internet too.
17. Why do they get a holiday, did an animal die?
18. The way I see it, my balls are in his court.
19. You mount <computer>, <computer> doesn't mount you.
20. You never realize how good it feels to pee normally till you have explosive diarrhea for a week.
21. Oh crap, hold on, I'm getting vibrated.
22. life is tough, it's even tougher when you're stupid. I have to say this is a self inflicted wound.
23. You are only sorry if you're on your honey moon and you can not consummate your marriage.